You’ve been through some rough times. Actually, rough times doesn’t even describe it enough. You’ve been through hell. What you experienced can literally be compared to hell.
Perhaps there are other girls or other women who went through something similar, and perhaps only they can understand you. But someone who hasn’t experienced the things you did can’t even begin to understand what happened to you. You know, what happened to you doesn’t actually resemble anything anyone else ever went through. There will be some similarities between some stories, but there are no two stories alike.
That’s why it hurts even more to try to tell your own story. That’s why your heart breaks even more when they say they understand and then end up blaming you for staying so long.
They don’t understand, how could they possibly? If they haven’t experienced it in their own skin, if they haven’t been in your head, if they haven’t cut your heart open to see what is in it and if they haven’t peeked into your soul to see the amount of fear you were feeling, they can’t possibly understand how or why you stayed so long.
You were convinced you were loved, that getting involved with your tormentor would be the ride of your life. That with him you would get to experience a love out of this world. You were told how you were one of a kind and how you were all he’d been looking for. You were promised eternal love, but all you got was eternal hell.
You never knew what you were getting yourself into. You were hoping for the best, but ended up getting the worst. And don’t fool yourself that you could’ve been smarter or more careful. You couldn’t. Because your heart and your mind were never programmed to notice someone who’s really good at disguising. And your tormentor was excellent at disguising.
He appeared to be this good and caring guy. He did everything right. It seemed to be too good to be true. He convinced you that he was the best you’d ever get and that he truly cared. It was one hell of a play he performed to get you hooked. And once you were all his, he changed.
He didn’t change all at once. He started changing little by little. He shifted one thing at a time because he wanted to get you used to the pain bit by bit, so that once you saw his true face, you wouldn’t be surprised. He had it all figured out. He had his plan long-prepared.
He did everything he could to trap you in his net and feed off of your pain. He knew you’d never leave since you were not that type of person. You never leave those whom you love, no matter how much they hurt you.
You never give up. You’re the type of person who fights till her last breath and that’s exactly what he was counting on.
For so long, you’ve been asking yourself what it was that you did wrong. For so long, you’ve replayed memories in your head to see what else could have been done to make things right. But there wasn’t anything else you could’ve done to make things right, since he wanted everything to go wrong for you.
The worst part isn’t the fact that you couldn’t let go. The worst part is that you struggled even after everything ended. The worst part is that there were still traits of love for him left in you once he was done with you. It took you a while to escape him, but it took you even longer to accept the truth and what you’d been through in order to let go of the feelings that were running wild in you.
But even when you escaped his toxic net, the toxic feelings he had imprinted on you stayed longer than you hoped they would. You continued to apologize for everything, even when you knew there wasn’t anything you did wrong.
You kept thinking that all the bad that had happened was your fault, even when half of the things had nothing to do with you. You were afraid to speak up, you feared showing your emotions or to engage with anyone. The feelings he kept projecting on you while you were together remained long after he was done with you.
Now that it’s all over you still blame yourself, but I promise you that none of what happened to you was your fault. Your tormentor was too sneaky for you to even notice something would go wrong. So there wasn’t a thing you could’ve done differently. Stop beating yourself up about it. It is not your fault.
You need to stop seeing yourself as a victim when you look at yourself in the mirror. Because you are not a victim. You are a survivor. You survived hell. Acknowledge this. Let it hurt and then let it heal.
Okay, you’re a bit broken now, but aren’t we all? Okay, you’re still scared, but aren’t we all a little bit scared? None of this means your story ends here. It’s where it begins. Because the only way to go from the bottom is up.
So stop running from your past. Stop running away from what happened to it. Stop bottling your feelings up and tormenting yourself for what you went through. Be proud that you’re still standing after the hell you’ve been through and don’t be ashamed of your wounds and scars because they are the proof of your battles and proof that you’re a true warrior.
There is light at the end of the tunnel, you only need to be patient enough and it will appear. There is a bright future awaiting you, but you need to stop standing in the same spot and start walking toward it.
Do you know what one famous poet said? He said: “The wound is the place where the light enters you.” You are not broken, you’re full of places where the light can enter. Remember this.